Meeting someone familiar...for the first time!

Have you ever felt that you have known someone for months even though you have just met them? Well, I had that extremely strange feeling yesterday when I had a spot of coffee with a person I was meeting for the first time. Well, strictly speaking, I had met this person before – he or she had been part of a group I had interacted with last year. But we had never really spoken to each other.

Anyway, over the past few months, we had swapped a few lines of text back and forth on the Internet – via email and chat. And had spoken on the phone a staggering number of times – oh well, just once! Well, we decided to meet over a cup of coffee on Sunday.

Truth be told, I was a bit apprehensive. This was a person known to be extremely quiet and who often did not have too much to say. Now, add that to the fact that I myself am not a chatterbox myself and I was expecting something like half an hour of utter, and maybe awkward, quiet. You know, I was kind of sitting around wondering if I would have to sip coffee noisily to break the silence!

Was I wrong!

You see, I ended up yakking for the next TWO AND A HALF HOURS (bringing the person to within inches of death by boredom, I am sure). And it was spectacularly diverse conversation. Among the subjects covered were: Achilles' heel and how the blighter resembled someone from the Mahabharata; numbers and their implications on human destiny; the meanings of names, and yes, I am sure I talked about the idiotic behaviour of some of the people I had the (mis) fortune to work with. This, to a person I was seeing for the first time.

It was not as if I felt as if I had to impress this person or to make conversation. I just felt...comfortable. I felt I could say anything and get an honest response. And that does not happen too often with someone you have just met.

I don't know if we will meet again, but heck, I would just like the person to know that, for almost three hours yesterday, he or she made me feel more at ease than I had felt for a while. And also made me realise that I could talk non-stop for that much of time!

I do hope our paths cross again in the coming days. I promise I will be more silent this time, if that helps!

The importance of sincerity

Towards the end of last week, I tried a minor experiment – I went out of my way to be outrageously funny and comic. And well, I succeeded to the extent that I decided to stick to the new ‘format’ - you know, wave farewell to the brooding, serious chap that I generally am and instead be full of bright humour.

And well, everyone seemed to be delighted with the change, and kept remarking about how cheerful I now was and how nice it was to see me enjoying things so much, instead of loping around with a grim face.

But not one of my oldest friends - we go back all the way to 1998. When we were chatting on the phone a few minutes ago, she suddenly asked if I was all right and why I was behaving like a silly idiot!

“Well, I have just developed a keener sense of humour, ” I replied.

“Yes,” she replied. “But this is not you. And I know it. So knock it off, at least with me.”

“You don’t get it!” I bleated. “No one likes me being serious and broody. Even you keep telling me to lighten up.”

“I do, ” she snapped. “But I sure prefer your being sincerely mournful to being artificially hilarious. It’s a sad reflection on me as a friend if you have to put up an act in front of me.”

There’s a moral there somewhere, I think.

Who wants to be competitive?

Being competitive is such a pain.

Because you know, you are never really worried about yourself. Always about what the others are doing. Because competition implies the existence of other people – rivals, opponents, call them what you will.

It is not about what you do – it’s about what the other bloke does!

And it often gets out of hand. Because you are not trying your best, you are merely trying to be better than the other person. And you slowly find yourself living not as you wish but according to someone else. You change schedules, alter work styles, dress differently maybe...not because you feel like it, but because you want to counter another person.

It can get so bad that you resent the success of an opponent who might actually have put in more work than you did. It can get so awful that you get upset if one of your friends happens to prefers someone else’s company to yours or seems happier with someone else. It is about comparing gifts, phone calls, friends...

It’s a lonely business, being competitive. Your only real company is the person you are competing against.

The Lord save me from it.

Feeling lonely...

Sometimes one really feels lonely. You have people around but you still feel alone. There has to be a reason for it...Isn't it? But I have no reason. Iam happy and content, but still feel lonely. I have friends, well wishers...everyone around but I still feel a loner. Why? I cannot give you a reason even if you insist...because I don't know OR perhaps you can try to find it out for me.

Today afternoon I spoke to a very old friend Tanu..we discussed her new job, my new venture, her troubles, love life, her past and mine too. But during this conversation there came across the mention of someone I'd forgotten...or atleast tried to forget...Amu (as I fondly called her)..

To recall we didn't have a fight- like hitting or shouting at each other. Well, one day we just stopped talking. Just like that...didn't quite get it. We were best of friends, we were always together...apart only when we had our classes (she was a year junior to me)..we were together for 8 long hours and then on phone. We spoke about everything in life...EVERYTHING..but things changed suddenly. One fine day, I didn't get her call...neither did she want to meet me or talk to me. Why? I had no clue about it. Well, she didn't want to remain friends with someone who was depressed (i had a damn! good reason to be depressed). She wanted to be happy and staying with me made her feel horrible...only coz I was depressed for about two weeks? Temme don't I have the right to feel horrible at times? Am I not human? Didn't you ever feel depressed Amu?

I think she forgot her depressing times...the days when she would cry for hours and speak to no one except me and Tanu. Its easy to point a finger at someone...it seems. Just imagine..someone who claimed to be your best friend leaves you coz you are unhappy for a few days!

Some said I was a fool not to have known this. ..but do you take a bio data of a person before becoming a friend? You observe and then become friends..but then I did that too!!! There was nothing suspicious or wierd about her behaviour. And I had known her for more than a year! Am sure Tanu would agree on this.

But today she is no more a part of life. Well, but her leaving left an impact for sure...I stopped believing friends. I am with them but not with them. Today, I am sceptical to speak to unknown people, always wondering if they would do the same. I had always cherished the beautiful moments spent with her...but I realised that it hurt me more than bring a smile to my face. Her existence is still a part of my life but put behing closed doors..My conversation with Tanu re-opened these doors and long forgotten memories got ground again. I realised I still care for her and how lonely I am without her.

Today after two years I think back and smile at myself asking...have I got over the fear of losing people? Have I got over the insecurity I felt after she left? All these questions still seek an answer but I have no definite reply.

I want to laugh/ cry my heart out..but I can't..I have evryone around me but no one with me. And if there is someone..then certainly I'am blind. Am I mature or insane? I don't know..can you answer my doubts? Can you?

Its FRIENDSHIP

Its friendship when a person calls you by a stupid name
and never by your own name.
Its friendship when they are angry
but tell you they are busy and can't talk.
When they tell you everything about themselves,
even if it is embarrassing.
When they come to see you whenever they get a chance.
Its friendship when you fight with each other on stupid things,
And then end up laughing about it.

--Celebrate the best relationship in life...called FRIENDSHIP:)

The sweetest Gunda:)

Bidding goodbye

It feels terrible to bid goodbye, more so if it is someone very very close to you. I felt the same when I had to bid goodbye to my sister and her family…her husband and my 23 month old nephew- Roshan aka Kuttu. I just didn’t want to stop cuddling chotu or accept the fact that the house would be so empty without them. It was a feeling that perhaps could not be expressed in words. I couldn’t tell them how much I cared and missed them…even though I am horrible at keeping in contact. I don’t call them, neither do I mail too often but yes, if there is something I do...I miss them. How much I wish they could be here forever but I know its foolish to think that way. I will see them again sometime mid next year, apart from scrolling through Kuttus’ pics on his blog :) Well Di, just wanna say that I love you a lot and miss you.