Feeling lonely...

Sometimes one really feels lonely. You have people around but you still feel alone. There has to be a reason for it...Isn't it? But I have no reason. Iam happy and content, but still feel lonely. I have friends, well wishers...everyone around but I still feel a loner. Why? I cannot give you a reason even if you insist...because I don't know OR perhaps you can try to find it out for me.

Today afternoon I spoke to a very old friend Tanu..we discussed her new job, my new venture, her troubles, love life, her past and mine too. But during this conversation there came across the mention of someone I'd forgotten...or atleast tried to forget...Amu (as I fondly called her)..

To recall we didn't have a fight- like hitting or shouting at each other. Well, one day we just stopped talking. Just like that...didn't quite get it. We were best of friends, we were always together...apart only when we had our classes (she was a year junior to me)..we were together for 8 long hours and then on phone. We spoke about everything in life...EVERYTHING..but things changed suddenly. One fine day, I didn't get her call...neither did she want to meet me or talk to me. Why? I had no clue about it. Well, she didn't want to remain friends with someone who was depressed (i had a damn! good reason to be depressed). She wanted to be happy and staying with me made her feel horrible...only coz I was depressed for about two weeks? Temme don't I have the right to feel horrible at times? Am I not human? Didn't you ever feel depressed Amu?

I think she forgot her depressing times...the days when she would cry for hours and speak to no one except me and Tanu. Its easy to point a finger at someone...it seems. Just imagine..someone who claimed to be your best friend leaves you coz you are unhappy for a few days!

Some said I was a fool not to have known this. ..but do you take a bio data of a person before becoming a friend? You observe and then become friends..but then I did that too!!! There was nothing suspicious or wierd about her behaviour. And I had known her for more than a year! Am sure Tanu would agree on this.

But today she is no more a part of life. Well, but her leaving left an impact for sure...I stopped believing friends. I am with them but not with them. Today, I am sceptical to speak to unknown people, always wondering if they would do the same. I had always cherished the beautiful moments spent with her...but I realised that it hurt me more than bring a smile to my face. Her existence is still a part of my life but put behing closed doors..My conversation with Tanu re-opened these doors and long forgotten memories got ground again. I realised I still care for her and how lonely I am without her.

Today after two years I think back and smile at myself asking...have I got over the fear of losing people? Have I got over the insecurity I felt after she left? All these questions still seek an answer but I have no definite reply.

I want to laugh/ cry my heart out..but I can't..I have evryone around me but no one with me. And if there is someone..then certainly I'am blind. Am I mature or insane? I don't know..can you answer my doubts? Can you?